Love is a wonderful thing but for those of us who have developed an avoidant attachment style, the merits of potential love and affection are stacked against our experiences and perceptions. Our desire for safety has become a quest to avoid hurt and rejection, so we skilfully
learn to guard our hearts.
However sometimes – joyfully! – a chink of light breaksthrough our defences. Perhaps it arises from an inspiring book, or catching a random podcast. It gives us hope and the impetus to re-join the dating apps. Or maybe we’ve met a new neighbour or a colleague with whom we experience a mysterious and unexpected “chemistry”? It catches us off guard and we find ourselves secretly planning the “meet cute” to share in future with friends.
But if it’s been some time since you’ve dated or enjoyed arelationship (due to choice, circumstances or both) even an enthusiastic resolve to “find your person” can awaken the lurking troll of procrastination. Seeping in with stealth, it ensures you don’t escape the safety of your comfort zone.
You may have written a compelling, flirty app profile and uploaded your photos… but you don’t yet subscribe or reach out to anyone. Or you have the details of that interesting new contact… but they remain a “crush”. You don’t call or seek to meet them, nor get to know them “in real life”. Your avoidance counsels “They probably have a partner anyway”, “They wouldn’t want to meet up”, or “I bet they’re not the relationship type anyway”. How can you be certain? You haven’t even tried. They may be thinking of you, even now.
Or procrastination may take the form of perfectionism, to be fully prepared, before you embark on dating:
- I need more pictures or a better profile;
- I’m waiting on my weight/to have more time/to be more skilled;
- I need to visit an aesthetics clinic before I let anyone see me up close; or
- I’ll be moving to a different town/job soon, so I’ll look then.
Procrastination is the one of the few things which I do recommend “avoiding”. Procrastination is a defence mechanism, but one which you can now release. Instead I invite you to take the opportunity to reprogramme your mindset. To explore, experience and embrace the Japanese principle of Kaizen, continuous improvement.
While “ships are safe in harbour, that’s not what they’rebuilt for”. You don’t have to believe the nay-sayers, particularly if they’re inside of you. You have every right, chance and opportunity to learn, live and love as you choose. Remember until you chose yourself, you don’t give anyone else the chance to do so either.
To your success!
Natalie Joy coaches successful single women who havean avoidant attachment style, to love, trust & respect themselves. So they can confidently embody the Law of Attraction to manifest their soulmate and establish the secure healthy relationship of their dreams.